kiddie pools and Ice Cream cones

Looking back on this year I have spent a lot of time thinking about how persons close to me would react. I would run situations through and through in order to hopefully foresee all the possibilities and all the reactions I assumed I would get. I was afraid and feel a little awful assuming that all my close loved ones who I shared the news with would some how withdrawal from our relationship. I am mad at myself for thinking so poorly of the people who do not think poorly of me at all. I am mad at this culture we grow and raise our children in.

On Monday I went to the IRS's office in Fresno County. I did not really know what to expect. I went because I needed a document that proved to a potential employer that I had in fact done my culinary school internship where I had said that I done it. It was a really nice building , I was pleasantly surprised. Either way, before I got inside I had put money in the parking meter giving myself one hour and 15 minutes. I thought this would be a sufficient amount of time to do the errand I had planned on doing at the "Internal make our country run administration". A day before one of my most important friends had said that we where due to talk. As I put the money in the meter I knew that he would be calling soon. It seems as soon as I start somethings that requires a specific limiting amount of time somebody important want to communicate. This happens also when somebody calls me on the telephone. There seems to be a psychic signal that goes out to the universe and says to at least one other important person in my life should call at that exact moment. This is never a problem, or a great problem to have in my mind, but in contrast to the entire day where I will not receive a call before and sometimes after that for the whole of the day. Anyway, as my assumption was right the call I was expecting came in. It was my dear friend Eric who I had not spoken to in at least a month.

I was anxious because I had tired to muster up the courage two times before this moment to share with him the important event that had taken place in my life. I originally wanted to tell him in person. I thought it would be more meaningful but at this point it was too late. The weekend twice previous to this current Monday was the Human Rights Campaign's National Coming Out Day which also coincided with The National Marriage Equality March in Washington DC. with all the impulsiveness the pours so freely from the dendrites of my neurons I had to show my new welcomed community support. I thought it would be important to claim the day for all the years that I despised my very existence and for all the my brothers and sisters who have gone through the same interior strife. I donated my Facebook picture and profile status to the cause adorning anybody who was to look at my profile and anybody who was lucky to have my communications on their mini feeds with a rainbow . It was very empowering. The only regret I had was that I had not told Eric, he had been the most influential and permanent relationship that I have maintained since the summer we both graduated from high school. At this point I was more worried that he would run across what I had written and be hurt that I had left out this very important detail.

Our conversation was very normal, we went over both of our important life details that we would not have known in the previous month that we had not communicated. As in any good story or conversation there is always a beginning, a middle, and an end. We had reached what you would consider the end and I knew that it was time. So I told him. I was not really worried what he thought because I knew somewhere deep in my soul that since he has known me so well he already had some idea. For all intents and purposes and not having the ability to continue to communicate for both of our time constraints got in the way. I believe he already knew. In this closing part of this conversation I remember telling him that in all the time I was closeted I had wished somebody would have told me that I was gay so that it would not have eaten up so much of my life up to this point. He replied that it was really something you do not tell a person. Looking back on my feeble attempt to live in patriarchal and straight life if I were told I was gay and I would be so offended (this statement needs its own post to be talked about latter).

There was one common things I heard when I began to fully embrace who my creator made me to be and outed myself. The most common thing I heard in many humorous ways and some more serious ways is that people had some previous idea of the matter. In these instances there was my sister one of closest confidant's who repeatedly hit her husband saying, "I told you why did you not tell me," repeating herself at least eight times. The more steady and serious reaction had by most would say, "Oh yeah I already knew."

All of these times I recall to be very freeing and was very glad to have shared myself with all of these people. I remember in at least a few of these times telling the person that I had wished that somebody would have told me so it did not have to sit in a kiddie pool of turmoil seemingly helpless with a ice cream cone where the scoops of ice cream had falling off into the discord. I had wished another person to tell me that I was gay. Eric and many others were completely right in saying that it was not their place say it. I completely agree. I cannot recall in the many years of my straight delusion people communicating that it was alright and even if they did I did not hear them. I still wish somebody would have said to me was that it was alright to be gay.

new favorite song: